003 Figuring Us Out
Walking home from the park with you last weekend was really nice, how we were
leaning towards and nudging into each other. It's funny, but that's the closest
we've ever come to holding hands in public.
But during our walk I was thrown off by your lack of response to my suggestion
that we move in together. I expected an enthusiastic response, so your silence
tilted my thoughts for rest of the evening and for the rest of the week.
Funny how it seems like as time passes we get closer in a lot of ways, but on
some level we get further apart. Is that because we want essentially different
things from each other? Or is that because of fear? I'm not sure what you want
or wanted from me, but when I'm feeling down I imagine that all you ever wanted
was the promise of good sex on a regular basis.
What I want and have always wanted from you has been more that that. I want the
promise of the potential for deep love and the possibility of a committed
relationship. Of course, I never expected any of this from you right from the
start. But I did expect your good intentions and an investment of time and
emotion to figure out what we could have together.
On the phone last night we had that strange conversation. I guess I'm still not
sure what you mean when you say you're still "figuring us out." You've been
saying this as long as we've been together, and I wonder when, if ever, your
emotions will resolve. I would hope that after spending a year together you'd
have more conviction about your feelings.
I know this is the wrong thing to say, but I really need to know that you love
me. If you truly don't know what you feel, then I need to get out of this now.
I need to move on and find someone who is capable of sharing a love with me.